And now

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

This will probably be me in a couple of years.

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Donnie, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Donnie replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Donnie's wife. 'Dee,' he says, 'Donnie is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Dee exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!'

Gardening

I'm working on starting a garden. But first, I had to hire me some cheap labor to get the soil ready.

Once the soil was ready, I put in a dripline.

And planted me some red bell peppers!! Hope they grow.

Special Night

WOW. It's 6pm. Dinner is done, dishes are done, homework is done, laundry is done.

This just doesn't happen often.

A little help, please?

I've lost the URL for the Redneck Scottsdale Princess's new site.

I'm such a loser.

Tonight - Thursday, 28 Feb 08

Fox News Channel's "The O'Reilly Factor" is scheduled to feature Move America Forward's pushback campaign against the Berkeley City Council and their new ad that is steadily capturing the attention and focus of this nation! Be sure to tune in tonight if you can!

Mythbusters' Kari Byron Chops Down Trees with a Gatling Gun in 45 Seconds

Would have been better if she was naked.

The Air Force.....

....in an effort to insure their troops stay informed, opens access to all blogs.

Just kidding, they have imposed bans on all sites with blog in their URL.

Confucius Say

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)

Is seeking summer intern applications. Takes a wide stance on qualifications.

Your room in a box

Coming to a college kid, soon.

Breast Massage Robot

Hey! That's MY job!!!!

Weird

IT Engineer - rented girl friend - pressurized. Wonder if that hurt?

C-130 Combat Action *Graphic*

Here's a crazy-assed night time, combat video from a C-130 taking care of business. But I have to warn you, not for the squeamish - plenty of video of flying body parts.

Random Stuff

Remember I mentioned that I had a "real" date? Turned out it was just a random, one time, non-recurring event. Oh, well.......

We had a fairly large storm blow through this weekend, accompanied by high winds. While driving around town, the kids and I were talking about the storm and if there would be any damage. My youngest, the 9-year-old Bug, then explained that there wasn't anything with a large enough surface area to be bothered by the wind....9-year-old.....surface area.....wind. I guess he does pay attention in school.

Saturday, I took everyone to the movies - The Bug, The Hippie, Biscuit Head and his wife and Heidi. We saw "Jumper". It was okay, but kind of disjointed and, in my opinion, poorly edited. Several scenes were sort of just left - hanging. If they're planning a sequel, then that explains the choppy editing, but if not - too much left undone. Either that or I didn't have enough to drink before the movie.

What I really want to see is the "Golden Compass." But it had a very short run. Guess I'll wait for the DVD. I'm currently reading the trilogy the movie is based on and I can sure see why the "Church" is in a major uproar over this thing. But it's a good series. If you haven't read it yet, go get it. But keep one thing in mind IT'S FICTION!.

Guess that's about it. Later.

Move America Forward Fights Berkeley Council

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

So, should I answer this?

From Mrs Anita Adams
N [38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire
anit4adams99@yahoo.fr

ATTN:
DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr Adams Johnson, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information’s, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your
reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Anita Adams.

Yeah, I think not.

50 Things Cool about Being a Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.

27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

29. Everything on your face stays its original color

30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, ''He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

43. You don't have to shave below your neck.

44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

46. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

49. The world is your urinal.

50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have tits.

My kids are so cool

Last night, my long haired Hippie came home with an enormous amount of homework. He jumped right in, no arguments, and got busy. His only break came at dinner. Once he was done, he got right back to work. I wandered into the study and told him he could have some dessert if he thought he had time.

He looked up and said, "Dad, I really don't have time, but thanks."

Later on, I put the Bug to bed to watch some TV and told him lights out @ 8:30 (his favorite sitcom was on). I wandered back in about 8:40, both kids were in bed and the lights were out. No fuss, no arguments.

This morning I was trying to get them to get dressed, gave the Bug a "look" and he said,
"Don't yell at me Dad, it won't lead to success!"

And then later this morning, as I was storming around the house tying to get my self ready, the long haired Hippie says, "Dad! Cheer up! It's a new day, be happy!!"

Is that cool, or what?

Actual Headline

Police get a grip on serial masturbator

Dude was obviously in serious need.

Fuzzy, who from now is going to be my little hippy because he doesn't want his hair cut - ever, fell at school last week while playing volley ball and hurt his wrist. He complained that it hurt but I shrug it off as probably nothing worse than a sprain.

Last Saturday he fell again, same wrist, while playing ball in the street. He came in crying and holding his left arm like it was about to fall off.

I grabbed an ace bandage, wrapped his arm, gave him some Motrin and all was well. Sunday morning, his wrist is swollen and slightly discolored. So, off to the Urgent Care center we go. They were supposed to call either Monday or Tuesday with the results. No call.

I called Wednesday night after work, got put on hold for more than 30 minutes and got disconnected. We were getting ready to go dinner, so I blew them off.

I finally got through last night and learned that he not only had a fractured wrist, but also a cracked elbow. I emailed his doctor last night and plan to call as soon as the office opens.

Just heard back from the doctor. Looks like we'll get referred to an orthopedic specialist.

The stupid, incompetent, lazy people at the Urgent Care Center just piss me off.

I want

Darwin

Ramp Van - video powered by Metacafe

Is Hilary loosing her grip?

Hillary's staff finally pays the landlord, but he's gonna donate the check to the Obama campaign. That'll learn her.........

Duct Tape

I find nothing wrong with this and have donated several roles over the years to my kid's teachers. Whatever works, I say.

Blackberry Service is out!

All of North America affected.

Finally, my electronic leash has been cut.

Wienermobile left high and dry

Driver? Yep, her name's Emily. Hair color surprisingly missing.

Best Movie Car Chase - EVER

22nd Amendment

Or how Bill Clinton could wind up being President, again.

Scenario:

1. Hillary wins the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States.

2. She chooses her husband as running mate.

3. Hill and Bill go on to win the election in November.

4. Hillary is sworn in as President on January 20, 2009. The next day she calls a press conference and resigns as President!!! Bill, as the Vice President, immediately becomes President!!!

5. But wait! There's more! The following day Bill calls a press conference to make an announcement. He has chosen someone to fill the now-vacant office of Vice President. Guess who he picks? Why, Hillary, of course!!!

6. How can this be? Below is the exact wording of the 22nd amendment to the constitution. Read the first five words carefully. Although I'm sure the courts would probably not allow this to happen, based on the 22nd amendment, it could.


Amendment 22 - Presidential Term Limits. Ratified 2/27/1951.

1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once. But this Article shall not apply to any person holding the office of President, when this Article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting as President, during the term within which this Article becomes operative from holding the office of President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.

2. This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by the legislatures of three-fourths of the several States within seven years from the date of its submission to the States by the Congress.

The weekend

Despite my carefully crafted plans, I accomplished - absolutely nothing Saturday. Took the kids out for breakfast at our new favorite restaurant Saturday morning, which we've been doing for the past 6 weeks or so, and after that, the day just sort of fell apart. I was going to get the car washed, but the lines were so long, the wait was about 90 minutes, so I gave up on that and did a bit of laundry and soon gave up on that, too.

The weather was so nice, that after lunch I took them swimming. For almost an hour, they had to pool all to themselves and they had a great time. I got to sit and read, which I haven't done much lately.
Late Saturday afternoon I got an invite to dinner from a young lady that I've known for years. Two adults, no kids, good food, good company. WOW. I went on a date! Never thought that would happen. But there you go. We'll probably do it again, sometime, when our schedules match. Nothing serious, but, DAMN, adult time, with someone closer to my age.

Sunday, I finally got the car washed, went to breakfast at a Deli across from car wash and then spent 3+ hours at the urgent care clinic because Fuzzy crashed last week, twice, and screwed up his left wrist. I thought it was just bruised, but it wasn't getting any better and even though he seemed to have no trouble paying grab-ass in the pool, I took him for x-rays. They "think" he has a small crack in his wrist AND his left elbow. Won't know for sure till tomorrow, but in the meantime he's wearing a brace on his wrist and has his arm in a sling for the elbow.

After that I had to take the dogs to the vet. Even though I am frantically trying to get rid of them, they still needed an annual check up and medicine....$460.00. Just one of the many reasons I.Do.Not.Want.Them. Actually, I never wanted them, but it wasn't my decision.

So, that was my weekend. But I get a break tomorrow. I get the day off and the kids are in school. Maybe I can accomplish something while they're gone. Then again, maybe I won't!!!

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Why I don't live in Milwaukee anymore

And the shit that LL's going through.

Ron Paul....

....might not be as bat shiat crazy as some people think.

Congressman Paul Cosponsors "Combat Veterans Debt Elimination Act"

English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Internet War Declared??

Someone is slicing up the Internet backbone (5 cables so far) going to the Mid East and, according to both articles, there was no 'visible' shipping in the area at the time of the breaks. Obviously they've never heard of a recent invention called SUBMARINES!

The Duke, at his best.

I got an email from my friend SK, pointing me to Michelle Malkin's site, where I found this and just had to share.

So, you're a Lib...

...And you want to work for the Clinton's. Well, here's a list of people who used to work for them. Yep, they're all dead.

Oh, and on a totally different note, did hear about how Hillary's gonna shove health care down your throat, even if she has to garnish your wages to do it? I'm not sure if she's a socialist or a communist. Right now, given the choice, I hope Obama gets the nomination and then looses. Actually, I'm not sure I want any of them to win.

Stupid people amaze me

I have, over the course of my very long and dull life, been drunk. I've been falling down drunk. I've woken up in some very strange places. But I have NEVER been drunk enough to let someone brand my bare ass with a hot fireplace poker!!

I just have one question.

WHY?

It's been said....

....that the Fickle Finger of Fate, having fucked, moves on. That might not necessarily be true.

Several weeks ago, I finally got around to taking my car to the dealer for some much needed service. By the time they finished fixing everything I knew was wrong, they called with a shopping list of other things they found. When it was all done - $1300. But I need my car so I paid, reluctantly.

Couple of weeks later, a massive winter storm blew through with near hurricane winds.

There used to be a trampoline here. And at one point, the fence was NOT broken.

The tramp was in the neighbor's yard, upside down, and twisted like a pretzel. I tore it apart and threw it back over the fence. No, not the broken fence, the other one. Here's what's left. I probably won't replace it. The boys have been asking for a hot tub, and I just might do that. Maybe next year. Sometime this spring I'll start getting some bids on replacing ALL of my shabby fences.

My cheap assed storage shed also got blown apart, but I managed to get it back together.

Bought us a small boat last summer and it was scheduled for some factory warranty work, so the weekend after the storm, we headed over to load up the boat and get it back to the dealer. What I found when I got there was a boat full of water and the drain hole plugged. Managed to get the hole opened and it took 2 1/2 hours for it to drain. Luckily, the only damage was a dead battery.

I was hoping things were turning around, but not so fast there. We have had storm after storm after storm come through here and even on a good day, California has the worst roads I've ever driven on. And all that rain just made things worse. Monday on the way to work, at about 50 MPH, I hit a huge pothole. I slowed down and waited for the "thump, thump, thump" of a flat tire. Nothing, but the handling wasn't quite the same, not bad, just different. Since it was only about 0630, and nothing was open yet, I just pressed on for work.

After work I decided to stop at the local tire shop to have them check the front end for damage, but what I found was I had actually blown both tires on the passenger side. Seems I had purchased some sort of run-flat tires and had actually driven more than 10 miles on flats. Two bad tires, one spare. Yeah, I had to fork out money for 4 new tires. I can't wait to see what's next.

So, that's how things have been this year.

How's your year been so far???

Researchers are studying the "Blissful Ignorance Effect"

Blonde's everywhere applaud.

Vasectomy? I don't need no stinking vasectomy!!

Radio-controlled sperm taps??

Will my Universal Remote work???

This needs a caption

What is Teddy saying to Obama behind Hillary's back?

Uniformed Humor

An old Air Force sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were just finishing with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave.

"HEY! Don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!", shouted the general.

Go ahead and put it on me, " the sergeant said, "My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

Overheard in the backseat

BUG - "She was hitting on me."
ME - "What does that mean?" - Like I don't know ;-)
BUG - "You know, like when a girl likes a boy, then she drags him to bed and BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! They make babies!"
ME - "Groan."

This was followed by nearly 30 minutes of hysterical kid laughter. I nearly busted a gut trying to keep quiet. Now I have to figure out if he knows what - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! means.

*Heavy sigh*

Eight Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Yes, she does....

But check out what!

I found him

I found a bigger asshole than this guy.

He's right here.

Internet Dating

Gone really, really bad.

Finally

It's finally colder outside than it is my office. It's a balmy 65 at my desk.

Only in Japan

I come here to checkout the latest headlines,

Inside tips to avoid being screwed by teens turning tricks
Perverted driving instructor's private lessons made up of parking own 'hot rod'

but some of these stories...........

Weird

Go here. Type in Heath Ledger is dead. Hit translate.

Tell me something

Is there a bigger asshole on the planet than this guy???

I know it's winter, I know you're cold but....

I never saw this coming, did you?

Cheney wants surveillance law expanded

New Web Site

Phags for Phelps

The field narrrows

Fred's gone and the Huckster is out of money. So? Who's left? Do you know? Do you care? The whole bunch of them are a real disappointment.

Take a trip...

...Back to the 60's. Crank up the speakers.

Bigfoot is alive and well....

....and apparently living on Mars.

I may be going out on a llimb here,

....but these assholes need to die in a fire!!!! Enough is enough!!!

Turkish man successfully video tapes street light

Ten things you didn't know you buy from Amazon

(Some not safe for work, small children or Heidi)

1. The George W. Bush Voodoo Kit: Stick It to Him Like Hes Been Sticking It to You!

2. The Celebrity Black Book: Over 55,000 Accurate Celebrity Addresses

3 Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing

4. Man to Man : Gay Attraction Body Mist 2 Oz

5. SILK Micro G-String Thong Rings Panty 4 COLORS Red Cobalt Purple or Black

6. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

7. Stink Bombs Box of 36 Glass Viles

8. Dr. John's Famous Pee Pee

9. Uranium Ore

10. Liquid Ass Fart

An email I received today....Should I go for it?

FROM.MRS JOYCE NKOSI
JOHANNESBURG,
SOUTH AFRICA

ATTN: THE DIRECTOR / C.E.O

URGENT BUSINESS ASSISTANCE

GREETINGS FROM ME TO YOU.I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW ME PERSONALLY. BUT PLEASE CAN YOU BE OF ASSITANCES TO ME?
MY ATTORNEY ADVICED ME TO WRITE AND SEE IF YOU CAN HELP ME.MY NAME IS JOYCE NKOSI I AM FROM ZIMBABWE.

MY HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE RECENT LAND DISPUTES BY THE AGENTS OF PRESIDENT ROBERT MUGABE.

MY HUSBAND WAS AMONG THE FARMERS THAT WERE KILLED, BUT BEFORE HE WAS KILLED, HE WENT TO JOHANNESBURG,SOUTH AFRICA AND DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $15.5 MILLION
DOLLARS(FIFTEEN MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) IN A SECURITY COMPANY. NOW I AM IN SOUTH AFRICA WITH MY FAMILY.

PLEASE I WILL STOP HERE, THERE IS NO NEED FOR TOO MANY STORIES, I PROMISE YOU IF YOU CAN HELP ME AND TWO SONS TO MOVE THIS MONEY TO YOUR COUNTRY I WILL BE GREATFULL.

YOUR PERCENTAGE WILL BE MAPPED OUT FOR YOU.REMEMBER IS 1OO% RISK FREE
YOUR NUMBERS NEEDED FOR EASY COMUNICATION
WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY. GOD BLESS.

YOURS FAITH FULLY,
MRS JOYCE NKOSI

Some actual answers to an elementary school survey

What do you wish was different at this school?

More lerning less resses. - (yeah, no shit)
The tank top rule. - (shameless hussy)
Need to be a hot tub. - (not gonna happen)
Nutting. - (how bout more spelling)

I wish the chicken nuggets didn't taste like vomit.
The chicken nugins are not rudder.
I wish the lunches were different because the chicken nuggets bounce like superballs, the hot dogs are green, the milk and pizza aren't good either.
The lunches, the new milk sucks, it tastes like nasty sour milk and the bread is very stale.
I wish the chicken nuggets didn't taste like cardboard and vomit.
The lunches are terrible and they taste like puke. - (I'm beginning to see a pattern)

The boys could not be grose. - (boys will always be gross. Deal with it)
I wish that you don't have to hold down the water in the bathroom. - (Is this even possible?)
We would like more balls. - (Two per boy, that's all you get)
I wish that we cood ware tank tops in the summer. - (I wish these little crumb crunchers could spell!)
No RECESS!- (This kid's obviously an alien)

This is one creepy photo

Of Course I Want One!

I hope he gets a very good lawyer, a very fair trial and a very long time in prison somewhere just nasty. Maybe like GITMO!

I'm not sure...

...if I can recover from this! Oh, the humanity!

What is a Cat? What is a Dog?

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.


What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Definition of a Veteran

A veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve - is
someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made
payable to The United States of America', for an amount of ' up to and
including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
longer understand it.

- Author Unknown

Brand new edition of..."You know you're a redneck when......"

Finally!

Overalls THAT FIT!

Just ask for the

"ARKANSAS CUT"

Yes, the new one is out!

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal*Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

The greatest TV theme song and intro EVER!

Hawaii Five O

I think my friend Wendy

could use these!!!

Ass "Emoticons"

Just cause you need to know.

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_13_) An unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_!_) A regular "nice" ass

(__!__) A large ass

(!) A tight ass

(_._) A flat ass

(_^_) A bubbly ass

(_*_) A sore ass

(_!__) A lop-sided ass

{_!_} A squishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_O_) And more....

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) "Get off my ass"

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_o^o_) A wise ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

You Know You're Living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Morning Conversation

BUG - Dad, what's this counter made of?

I don't know. Is there a problem?

BUG - When I hit it real hard with my knuckles, it hurts.

Then don't do that.

BUG - Oh, okay.

Sometimes he just makes my brain hurt.

Extreme Wheelchair

I may have posted this before, but I don't care. It's still way cool.

Uh,......

YUK. Marrying your sister is bad. Marrying your twin sister is just wrong. Fortunately, they didn't know.

Public Service Announcement for Men

It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.

However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS. It can lead to a fatality.

How Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

You Just Might be a Blueneck if:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
7. You've never seen a live chicken and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
8. You have no idea what a polecat is.
9. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys" even if both of them are women.
13. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
14. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
16. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
17. You call binoculars opera glasses.
18. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
19. You don't know anyone with at least two-first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)
20. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
21. You can do your laundry without quarters.
22. None of your fur coats are homemade

Here's a recipe I never thought I'd see

Fish Balls with Tomato Sauce. Fish balls. Never knew they had any!!!